Don't Fear the Reaper

This paper was written in response to the following questions: What is your reaction to the question “Is suicide an ultimate choice or the ultimate cop-out?” If you found out you had one week left to live, how would you spend that time? Be specific. What do your choices say about your values and what is important to you? How does that compare to how you live your life now? Knowing what you do, what changes would you make in how you live your life now, if any? When do you feel most alive? When do you experience life the most fully? What happens, if anything, to blunt this feeling of aliveness?

It was written for the Psychology 240 class taught by Lauren Kuhn at Portland Community College, Spring term 2011. The theme of this class was Personal Growth and Awareness.



Don't Fear the Reaper

When I was 20 a friend of mine from high school chose to end her life. In the years that I had known Leslie she was dealing with an intense internal struggle. She felt lost, alone, and seemed to be hurting terribly. She had secrets and was certain that sharing them would be worse than keeping them inside. She tried therapy, she tried alcohol, she tried self-mutilation, and none of it freed her from the pain she felt inside. After exhausting all of the options she felt comfortable considering, she had one more idea, and that was to end her current existence. I was saddened that Leslie felt death was the only path left for her to take, but at the same time I felt a huge sense of relief.

My feelings regarding Leslie’s death (and suicide in general) may be considered callous by some. I don’t believe that suicide is a selfish decision. On the contrary, I think the survivor’s of suicide are most often the selfish parties. I remember being at Leslie’s funeral and hearing people ask “How could she do this to me/us?” and all I could think was, “This had nothing to do with you, it was her life and her choice.”

I think people typically kill themselves because they feel that they have no other options. Sometimes the idea is considered for a long period of time, sometimes it’s a choice that is made in the moment, but that’s how all big decisions are. They’re either thought out with great intensity or are made in a split second, and we will experience the consequences regardless of how the decision was made.

Suicide, for me, very much resembles the concept of moving to another state. It removes us from our current life and takes us somewhere new where the people we see everyday can no longer see us or touch us. How practical of a decision this move might be is all a matter of perspective, but the only person whose opinion really matters is the one doing the moving.

When I told my friends I was moving from Utah to Oregon no one was very enthusiastic about the idea. I was hoping people would respond positively, getting excited that I finally had the courage to go somewhere I had always wanted to go. It felt freeing for me to be doing something that had appealed to me for so long. Rather than supporting me, most people whined about how I was leaving them and how selfish/unfair that was. While it was nice to know I would be missed I was hurt that I had so little support. My move had nothing to do with the people I was leaving behind. I wasn’t running away from anyone or trying to hurt feelings; I was simply doing what I felt I needed to do for myself. I left one existence in hopes that my next experience would be a better one. My leaving resulted in the actual demise of some friendships. There are people I have loved dearly whom I may never see again. I may still be breathing, but my absence in these people’s lives is not unlike death: I left them, there was nothing they could do about it, and my absence in their lives may be permanent.

Regardless of whether or not a suicide has been thought out, the decision is generally based on the desire to leave one existence for something better. For most of us life is more desirable than death, so we choose to continue living. However, for some of us life just isn’t the journey we were looking for and death seems like a better option. Because no one knows with any certainty what happens after we die we have no way of knowing if death is a positive or a negative experience for the deceased. Maybe death is simply a passageway to a new life. Perhaps all of the people we have lost in our lives are just hanging out, having a great time, making new friends, and just living in a world similar to our own. Maybe there is no pain in that life, maybe there is. It’s also possible that nothing happens after we die, that we simply cease to exist. My own personal belief is that death will be whatever experience we desire. For some the concept of Heaven and Hell will be a reality. For others the beauty of reincarnation will grant them the opportunity to experience life in a whole new way. I do not assume that a new existence will be easier (though it may be) but it is a chance to do things again and do them differently, hopefully with more positive results than the previous experience.

I should mention that I am more comfortable with suicides that came about after the person had tried finding other methods of dealing with their current existence versus it being a quick decision. I think it’s normal for people to make quick, irrational decisions during times of emotional transition, but for most of us those irrational decisions will become regrets or opportunities for change. I think we all have the right to re-evaluate the choices we’ve made and correct the ones we view as mistakes and feel that suicide deprives us of that re-evaluation.

As I ponder this topic more deeply I am finding that the only problem I really have with suicide is when the deceased parties leave a note indicating that someone else is to blame for their decision. I consider that rude. Blaming other people for one person’s decision has always irked me a little (though I will admit I have been hypocritical with this belief at times). I remember being in Ninth Grade and I had invited a friend of mine to a party where she proceeded to flirt mercilessly with the boy I liked even after I let her know it was bothering me. She chose to disregard my feelings and continued to flirt with my crush. I was angry and hurt, but I knew it wasn’t the worst thing that would ever happen. Regardless, I needed a few days to calm down and gather my thoughts before I would be comfortable talking to my friend about the incident. She was relentless and began harassing me, completely ignoring my desire to cool off before having a discussion. About two days later I came to school and felt like I walked right into a witch hunt.

Everyone in my social circle was calling me a bitch and no one would say what I had done. I later found out my friend had taken a bottle of Ibuprofen in an attempt to end her life, apparently because I was angry with her. Even then I didn’t understand how I was responsible for her suicide attempt; I wasn’t there when she tried to kill herself and I certainly didn’t force a bottle of pills down her throat. The fact that anyone would hold me at fault was frustrating to me as the decision had solely been my friend’s choice, and she certainly had other options for dealing with her emotions about the situation.

We each have the option to choose our own feelings or behaviors. That may be a difficult reality for some people to accept, but I believe it to be true. I could have killed myself in my adolescence; I even tried a few times. I was a depressed, angry teen. I blamed a lot of other people and situations for my misery. But my misery was always just that, my misery, and how I responded to that misery was my decision, no one else's. With this being the way I view my own life, I also hold others accountable for their choices. We may be influenced by external factors but ultimately how we deal with our circumstances is our own personal choice and our choice alone.

While I would not consider myself to be suicidal I do feel that it is entirely possible that at some point in time I will choose to end my own life. I’ve never really had the desire to live well into old age and I think there’s a possibility that I’ll get bored with life at some point. I do not have set plans to kill myself; I just consider it one of my options. I would not want the people I leave behind to think there was something they could have done, or view my death as some tragedy. I would hope that my decision to move forward into a new existence would be supported, just as I hoped that my moving to a new state would be.

If I knew I was going to die in the immediate future it would be difficult for me to inform people of my fate. I wouldn’t want to hear the disappointment or fear in their voices. I wouldn’t want them to focus on the short time we had left together. I would want them to focus on how much we’ve enjoyed our journey together, and to remember that there is still so much beauty in the world even if I’m not there to share it with. Despite my nervousness, I would want people to know that I was dying. It seems like every time someone dies people think about all of the things they wish they’d said. I don’t want the people I love to regret anything when I’m gone, so I would tell them I was dying and I would throw a party in lieu of my funeral.

Ideally this party would start out with The Roast of Ajé, where everyone who wants to can take turns laughing, joking, or being serious about why our journey together was an eventful and beautiful one. There will be laughter and tears, and no subject will be taboo, just good old-fashioned honesty and emotions. After my friends had finished sharing what they felt they needed to share I would then take the time to tell everyone how much they have meant to me. I imagine this party would probably need to last at least one full day as I have been blessed with many people who have come into my life and made it more amazing than I ever thought it could be.

When all thoughts had been exchanged it would be time to just hang out and mingle. In my life I’ve introduced many people to one another and some beautiful, amazing friendships have blossomed from those introductions. At my party everyone has to leave with a new phone number and a potential new friend. I will also be giving away my possessions at this party; this will be done as outlined in my will. If something I own was a gift from someone else they can have it back if they so choose. Everything else will pretty much be up for grabs, however if multiple people really want the same thing there will be a Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament to decide who gets what. These material possessions and newly formed friendships will be one of the many ways in which my memory will live on.

In the few days prior to my party I would do whatever sounded exciting in the moment. I would actually go rock climbing or adventure searching with my friends instead of doing homework. I would finally get around to checking out the swinger’s club because I’ve always been curious about that type of place. I would do stand up one more time without caring if the audience was put off by my vagina jokes.

I would try my best to make sure everyone knew that love is my life’s philosophy and that there was no hatred in my heart for anyone, including those who have wronged me. I would try to shout from the rooftops that we all make mistakes, but that nothing we do makes us unworthy of love. I would hug every person that was willing to accept my warm embrace.

This final week would probably be the most alive I will ever feel because I will be doing everything I can that appeals to me. As it stands currently I sometimes feel so alive that I’m quite certain I invented the very idea of living. I have these moments where I’m up for anything and every second has the potential to be a new adventure. It’s an intense natural high, and it gets more intense with every laugh, smile or hug that is exchanged.

I really enjoy the idea of living in the moment. If someone presents me with an idea that sounds even remotely fun and I’m not committed to any obligations I want to enjoy the ride and see where this random adventure might take me. Maybe it will only last an hour, maybe I’ll be gone for three days. It doesn’t matter because all that matters is the moment as it is happening.

This natural high gets blocked by my mind finding things to worry about. I’ll convince myself that if I go to a party with someone I won’t be able to get home if I want to leave before they do. Or I worry that I’ll be overwhelmed with fun and my having-a-good-time tears will leak out and everyone will respond to me like I am freaking out. Sometimes I go for days without having my mind get in the way of things, but often I go for weeks with it bringing me down. When I try to pull myself out of a slump I run into obnoxious obstacles. For example, it took me a long time to get the courage to karaoke. Singing in front of people has always made me super nervous and I get a psychosomatic frog stuck in my throat. But I finally decided “who cares?!” and decided to start going regularly. Within one week I got a cold and wasn’t able to sing for over a month.

What I should do when being faced with these obstacles is find something else to focus on that is equally satisfying, but I generally just get pissed off and annoyed. I’m not sure if this is because I am easily frustrated or if it’s because these obstacles seem to happen with 90% of the things I feel excited about doing. I sometimes wonder if this is just the way the Universe is trying to help me discover my true passions, because if I really love something little obstacles shouldn’t get in my way.

This assignment, as well as this class, has had me thinking in a different way. I am still a bit frustrated when obstacles present themselves, but over these past few weeks I’ve been trying to ride every wave I can catch. If one plan fails I’m looking for another option. If there are no other options that sound appealing I’m working harder at appreciating what’s right in front of me. I’ve also been re-evaluating my priorities. In the last few years that I have been in school I have sacrificed my social life almost completely. I very rarely make time for the people and things that make my life worthwhile because I’m so concerned with homework and grades. I think it’s important to take school seriously, but not so seriously that the other areas of my life suffer. My grades are good enough that taking a break from assignments to nurture the rest of my world is an okay thing to do. I’m trying to realize that getting a B won’t kill me, and that if I were to die next week I’d rather have spent at least a little time with the people I love instead of all my time in front of my computer. This is my life, I may only have one shot at it, and I want it to be the most exciting experience I could possibly have.