I'm Loved Because I Love

This paper was written in response to the following questions: Discuss what is lovable about you, providing specific examples. Why would another person want to love you? Why are you a “great deal” for the right person? What is your most lovable quality? What are some ways you could change to become more lovable? What are some important barriers within you that prevent you from loving others fully? What about the barriers that prevent others from fully loving you? What can you do about both of these kinds of barriers? What are you willing to do?

It was written for the Psychology 240 class taught by Lauren Kuhn at Portland Community College, Spring term 2011. The theme of this class was Personal Growth and Awareness.


I’m Loved Because I Love, or at Least I Try

For as long as I can remember I have noticed the little quirks I have, thinking, “If someone loved me they would think this is so cute.” Like the way my sneezes always seem to come in pairs or groups. Or the silly way I run that looks more like a waddling shuffle. When I’m concentrating really hard my tongue sticks out of my mouth and to the side. And when my loose hairs fall out in the shower I stick them to the wall until I’m finished. I can say the alphabet backwards, I dress in a way that some people call ‘extreme’, and I sometimes combine words when I speak because I’m thinking too far ahead. I don’t think any of these things make me more or less loveable, but I know if I was in love with someone I would notice those things about them and smile. Perhaps me noticing my own quirks is proof that I have loved myself all along, despite what my illusions made me think.

If my quirks are loved because a bigger love for me already exists, what caused the bigger love? That is a question I have asked myself more times than I can count. I have allowed myself to be in relationships that were built on conditional love. Men that loved me as long as I followed their rules and refused to think for myself, friends that loved me because they had something to gain. I have also had love for which I felt undeserving. A lover that cared enough to hold my hand when I felt too weak and scared to be alone, and later loved me enough to let me go because it was the only way I could stand on my own two feet.

A few years ago I decided to really look at the trend in my adult relationships and realized that except for my ex-husband I had never felt fully loved by another person. I have been in relationships with some really wonderful people who cared for me deeply. However, in most of these relationships it seems both myself and my partner were having a difficult time loving ourselves. This caused us to only show parts of ourselves and despite our best efforts we were only able to love part of the other person. This realization led me to ponder the type of partner I would want in a romantic relationship, and also what kind of a partner I would want to be. So I’ve learned about my boundaries, and I know what my cute, little quirks are, but I’ve never asked myself “why should someone love me?” and now seems like a good time to ask.

I feel like the best way to do this would be to bake a cake out of myself, eat it, and then critique the flavor. For this experiment I will use the following recipe:

Ingredients:
2 cups: Compassion, Honesty, Love, Communication, Strength of the soul & Fascination with the Universe
1 ½ cup: Desire to grow, Frequent reality checks, Independence, & Self respect
1 ¼ cup: Humor, Confusion, & Intelligence
1 cup: Various hobbies, Fear, Morbid fascinations, Inner child, & Wit
½ cup: Insecurity, Hopelessness, & Anger
1 dash: Evil
3 high-fives
Random dollops of Awesome

Directions:
Mix all ingredients together. Pour into a heart shaped pan with slight imperfections. Bake at 300 degrees. There is no need to set a timer; it will come out of the oven when it’s ready.


I know that not everyone will like my cake. Some people won’t even want to try it. But I also know that for some folks my cake will be the most delicious cake they have ever eaten. With every bite they will love my cake just a little bit more. Even if they get a bite with a little too much anger they’ll keep eating, knowing that the good stuff is only a few crumbs away.

There’s enough compassion, honesty, and love in my cake to ensure they’ll always get at least a little taste, even in a fear filled piece. I spent years letting fear get in the way of my ability to communicate and I’ve worked very hard to be able to tell the people I love how I really feel about any given situation. I’m able to do this even if there’s a hint of insecurity on my end. My ability to be honest and communicate my feelings makes it so that my partner doesn’t have to guess how I’m feeling or what I need from them. They know exactly what kind of cake they signed up to eat and are aware that each piece varies slightly.

There have been many people who have eaten portions of my cake, but few people could handle a lifetime supply. Therefore, if I am to accurately evaluate why I am loveable my best source of information would probably be my current relationship, as my current partner has eaten more Ajé cake than anyone else. This cakeaholic is named Eldon; we have known each other for almost six years and have been in a relationship for eighteen months. He is best friends with my little brother and has been considered a part of my family for years now. I even considered him my ‘other brother’ for a long period of time, so I never felt any reason to put up walls. Because I felt no need to impress him I was free to be myself completely.

We started working together a few years ago and ended up hanging out all the time. He would come over while I watched movies and did homework or made crafts. We talked about anything and everything. Sometimes we made dinner or went on adventures. We gave each other advice about dating and living. We never got sick of each other and we got along great. It took almost a year to realize we were in love-ten days before I moved 800 miles away.

Fortunately the physical distance between us did not affect his craving and appreciation for Ajé cake. He has since moved here and, despite obnoxious differences in our schedules, our relationship is doing fine. I think I know most of the reasons why Eldon fell in love with me and continues choosing to nurture that love, though I don’t sit and think about it very often. In fact, I think it’s the first love I’ve been able to simply accept.

Eldon loves me because I am a compassionate person. I feel intense empathy for people around me who are suffering in any way. I care so much about people that I have to limit my exposure to their difficult circumstances because it is so easy for me to get lost in them. I am lovable because I care so much about everyone feeling loved that I could spontaneously combust into hug sprinkles at any moment.

I think my most lovable quality is that I am always striving to grow and learn more about myself. I’m aware that I am always changing and feel it is my responsibility to know where I stand and what I need in any situation (or at least be trying to know those things). I think it is important to let him know when I am feeling particularly strong or insecure. There have been times where I have questioned our relationship and if this is the path I want to be taking. I have always been verbal and honest with him when I am evaluating my journey. My desire to know myself and my honesty with what I discover are also reasons why I am loveable.

Sometimes the way I contradict myself contributes to my lovability. For instance, I claim to dislike children because I don’t want any of my own, but when I’m around kids I will lose myself in their world and play with them until we have to part. Or the way I can be so happy that it brings me tears, sometimes to the point that I ache because there is so much joy in me that it can’t be contained. In the movie American Beauty the character Ricky comments, “Sometimes there is so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it and my heart is just going to cave in.” This is one of many phrases that could be used to describe me, and while it can be overwhelming at times I believe this is one of my most loveable characteristics.

Among the other things mentioned I am also a very creative person. I enjoy making all sorts of things, from clothing to home décor. When I create something new, or just get a good idea, I get ridiculously excited and somewhat resemble a happy child on Christmas morning. I’m also a super huge movie buff and can often dominate the ‘Name that Movie’ game after only having seen the preview. I imagine these are also loveable traits considering that Eldon fell in love with me when we were mainly hanging out in my bedroom talking while I watched movies and made crafty things.

Now that I’ve established why I’m awesome and totally loveable I suppose I should take a look at the reasons why I sometimes have difficulty believing in the love others have for me. The simplest answer for me would be to just blame it on the PTSD I’ve been living with for years, but I no longer feel that I can simply blame my disorder for anything. I have worked long and hard at overcoming my stress and anxiety issues, and while my diligence and success at this endeavor is surely a loveable characteristic, I still struggle from time to time. I pride myself on being a strong person and when my stress begins to show itself I get angry and feel weak. I believe that part of being strong means allowing myself to feel my emotions even when they are undesirable, but I have a hard time remembering that in the moment. In these moments I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment and often am convinced that any witness to my behavior will no longer want anything to do with me.

In the past I’ve allowed myself to be in relationships with people who have tried to alter me via manipulation and mockery. I had a tendency of dating men who were either controlling or looking for someone who needed to be taken care of. The controlling ones started fights when I tried to nurture my independence and the care-takers threw tantrums because they felt that they were no longer needed. Basically, I have a history of being insulted or accused if I try to have a relationship with myself outside of my couple hood. I am still working on undoing the conditioning that occurred during this span of relationships and sometimes I find myself asking Eldon for permission to go to karaoke or out with a friend. He always reminds me I don’t need to ask him, and if I start talking myself out of going he does his best to talk me back into it because he knows I need to nurture myself. When I stick with my plan and go on an Ajé date he does not insult me or whine, and he’s always ready to hear about my adventure when I return.

I am working on feeling more comfortable at embracing my independent side without separating myself from my relationship. When my nerves kick in and tell me Eldon is going to throw a tantrum or be a jerk if I want to do something, I remind myself that I was independent when this relationship started and nobody involved expected that to change. Neither of us needs the other for survival and because this relationship is based on honest choices, being who we are is the best way to be. I think all I can do at this point is to continue being honest with my needs, wants and feelings (without apologizing or asking for permission) and trust that over time my mind will become reconditioned and I will no longer expect to be rejected just for being myself.

Another challenge I experience from time to time is having an intense response to stimuli when it is first introduced. If I have a plan and something changes my initial reaction is often to be upset. I can usually get myself back to a functioning state of mind within a few moments either by breathing or doing a small task that I can control (like alphabetizing movies, or walking out of the room and coming back in). However, there are times where my attempts are unsuccessful or half-assed and it takes me hours or sometimes days, to chill out. This reminds me of the person I used to be.

While I prefer to deny her existence, this old me is still one of my integrated personalities; we can call her Ashley. Ashley was/is quite addicted to depression and voiding herself of responsibility. As is typical for an addict, what is hurting her is also what comforts her and she is afraid to let go completely. She has already given up her dominance in order to let me grow this much, and if she continues to let me grow she could disappear completely. This scares us both. I have already proven to myself that I am capable of changing my thoughts and behaviors in ways that will enhance my life, and I know that taking ownership of Ashley’s thoughts and behaviors is the only way I can help her and have more control over my moods/reactions.

That level of responsibility terrifies me; it makes me feel exposed and repulsive. I remember when Ashley was my dominant personality; I was very unpleasant to be around and several people told me so. I’ve reached a point where I can take accountability for her past behavior, but when she acts out now it’s so embarrassing that I want to pretend it didn’t happen. I keep saying to myself “I am not that girl anymore” but that simply isn’t the truth. She may not be my dominant personality, but she is still a part of me. I know that I cannot help her until I can say “Ashley is a part of me and I love her.” I guess I should start saying that into the mirror when she shows her face, even if it’s hard. I’ve been meaning to hang up positive thoughts throughout my house but keep procrastinating on the delusion that Ashley needs those thoughts, but I don’t. Ashley used affirmations all the time and they helped her immensely. I’ve always given her credit for that idea, but she needed affirmations because she’s depressed. I am not depressed therefore I don’t need positive thoughts every where. But the truth is I still feel Ashley’s pain even when I ignore it, and her affirmations help me even if I’m already feeling good.

Eldon is aware of this internal struggle and accepts it as a part of me. But his love for that part of me can not grow if my own love for that part can not grow. I want to grow. I want to love myself completely so other people can love me completely as well. I want to stop hiding from myself so I can stop hiding from others. I want to start embracing the parts of me I’ve tried to leave behind. It’s time for me to take some initiative. Today I’m going to start by decorating my house with positive thoughts. Perhaps I’ll even bake a cake.