Explore Yourself!

The following paper was written in response to the book 'Exhibitionism for the Shy' by Carol Queen. It was written for the Psy 231 Human Sexuality class taught by Lauren Kuhn at Portland Community College, Fall 2010.


Explore Yourself! Discovering the Exhibitionist Within

Carol Queen is unlikely to be described by her friends as ‘shy’ but she will be the first to admit that this was not always the case. This author began as a quiet, awkward young woman who hid the person inside from herself as well as the people around her. Some people who have lied to themselves might agree that doing so results in a feeling of displacement, like being a hermit crab who is trying to fit into a tortoise shell. Fortunately for Carol she was able to find the shell that fit her true self and can now freely carry it with ease.

This book is all about discovering one’s identity. Not just sexually, but with every part of oneself that feels trapped. It covers everything: clothes, friends, hobbies, lovers, professions, and most importantly-our sexual selves that are trapped inside and just waiting to get out.

It started off feeling like a dare. Not just any dare, but a triple-dog-dare. I found myself constantly drifting into my mind trying to identify the areas of my sexuality that I’ve been hiding from. In chapter two Queen talks about a time when she found herself at a safe-sex party in which the people attending were invited to masturbate for and with each other. This was a real awakening for her, not only because she found the experience to be exciting, but also because she had fantasized about such an experience but had not previously known how to explore it (pg 9). I’ve felt this playful voyeur inside of me for a long time, and I’ve had a few opportunities to explore it, but I have yet to find a way to have it be a more present part of my lifestyle. Fortunately this book has given me some tools that can assist me with bringing my inner vixen to the surface.

The first step is to realize that who we are is perfectly normal even if it seems different than the societal norm. Masturbation, for example, is something that is still not widely talked about or accepted and it is even omitted from many sexual education classes as an option for relief. At one time there was even a theory posed by Dr. Richard von Krafft-Ebing which claimed that masturbation led to insanity (pg 18). What a ridiculous idea! I’ve been masturbating since I was a child and the only thing insane about it was that no one ever talked to me about it so I thought I was a weirdo. Now I make a living making change for people so they can go into a little booth to watch some porn and jerk off.

Queen also got a job that helped ease her into her sexuality, only hers was a little more hands on than being a porn clerk. She was a peepshow worker. Through her experiences at the peepshow she discovered that people of all shapes/sizes/genders/occupations/religions/etc. like to masturbate, watch others masturbate, or be watched while masturbating (among many other things). When it comes down to it sex is really just like any other interest. When one goes to a sports game they cheer, eat hot dogs, and wear jerseys. When one goes to a movie they speak in whisper, eat popcorn, and wear street clothes. When one goes to a sex event they talk dirty, eat pussy, and play naked. (This is just an example of course as many other ways to speak/eat/act could come about during any of the aforementioned activities.) And just like any other activity, the trick to a good sexual experience is to make sure any other people involved are people whom one wants to be around and who will enjoy the same activities.

In chapter three Queen talks about identifying the things that turn us on so that we can research them and begin to explore. If exhibitionism was a swimming pool this chapter would teach one how to get in by dipping their toe in the pool and then working their way down the steps into the shallow end. It doesn’t have to be a jump into the deep end experience. Exhibitionism is discussed in a basic, every-day form. The way a person dresses, walks, speaks, introduces themselves, etc. are all outlets than can be used to explore exhibitionism. Confidence is an important factor in successful exhibitions. If a person dresses up in sexy clothing but does not feel sexy the outfit will be useless. Exhibitionism is an attitude, and the reader is encouraged to find out what their attitude is. Watch people on the street, at karaoke, strip clubs and restaurants. Observe the behaviors, clothing and mannerisms that cause excitement within oneself and then learn how to emulate that (pg 30).

This got me thinking that I may be more exhibitionistic than I originally thought. It showed the subtleties at the core of exhibitionism so I could look at my own experiences. I definitely notice a difference in the way others are drawn to me when I feel confident and sexy vs. when I don’t. My clothing never seemed to make much of a difference. I have been approached by people when I looked very low key and unkempt, but I felt great, sexy and vibrant. I’ve also been rejected by people when dressed ‘sexy’, but only on days when I feel insecure about my body. So it seems to me, the best place to start the journey towards embracing my exhibitionist side, is to be honest with myself about when I’m feeling it and when I’m not; to observe others and try new things, and above all else: always appear confident.

While every chapter in this book focuses on a different aspect of exploration, all of them come back to this main theme of confidence and self trust. The text basically provides the reader with the steps to become born into themselves. Personally, I have an all encompassing fear of rejection but at the same time am able to be myself. I think people don’t have to like me and I know I don’t like everyone; but I want to like everyone and I need everyone to like me. In short, I feel conflicted.

I used to dance and act all the time but now I never really do either. Not even when I’m alone. I feel that it’s a fear of rejection, but considering that I’m not fond of the opinions of others and I don’t explore my desires when I’m alone, I feel it is safe to assume that I’m really afraid of rejecting myself. This is frustrating because I’m not sure why I have these issues. The only thing I can connect it to is my PTSD. It kicked in and I stopped dancing. I was still acting but I could never practice my lines in character when I was at home. I also couldn’t sing songs around other people unless someone else was singing with me. Eventually I couldn’t do much of anything that put me on the spot. And now, years later, I want to dance and act all the time, both in and out of sexual situations, but I am unable to let go. I have moments where my inhibitions are completely gone, but they are short and fleeting. Everything in this book challenges me to address these very things because they are activities that will help me increase my sexual pleasure as well as the amount of fun I have when I’m alone. The main character in the movie Riding in Cars with Boys says “fun is what you bring with you.” If I can push myself to try the ideas in this book I’ll be able to take fun with me everywhere.

Pushing oneself can become easier once they begin to discover the concept of persona's which are essentially the various parts of ourselves that are not always seen but contribute to who we are as a whole (pg 88). Such as the mousy, socially awkward, book worm by day who becomes the sexy, chatty, dance queen by night. Most people have quite a large variety of interests ranging from things we do daily to things we think about only once a year. When we tap into these interests and explore them in all of their glory, a new persona is born. As psychotherapist Bill Henken puts it, “a persona is not something you create, it’s something you discover” (pg 95). Because we must discover our personas we must also seek them out. To do this we must pay attention to the cues our body and minds reveal to us. Some persona’s will be easier to accept than others and some may be downright frightening. Search yourself without judgment. Work on the persona’s that feel comfortable and safe, you can always come back to the ones that make you nervous when/if the time is right.

Queen suggests naming individual personas with names or descriptive words (pg 97). For instance Sheryl might like to come out and play during a bubble bath, while Naughty Girl needs to be tied down if she’s going to get wet. For me the thought of naming my other selves has never occurred. I know these parts of me are there and I’m open to them, but I have yet to truly explore them. This is partly because many of them make me nervous and partly due to that whole fear of self rejection thing.

A few years ago I noticed that every time I watched the Rob Zombie movie Devil’s Rejects I would get very aroused during the scene where Otis and his sister are holding 2 couples hostage in a motel room. Otis holds one woman at gunpoint and makes her strip to down to her bra and panties. He pulls her bra down, revealing her breast and puts the gun barrel down the front of her panties while he talks about her cunt. He then forces her to go down on him. And during it all the woman’s husband and the other couple are forced to watch.

This is not a pornographic movie, but for the life of me I can’t get through the thing without having to say “howdy” to my clitoris. I am no longer embarrassed by the fact that I am turned on by [consensual] sexualized violence and rape; but I am nervous to explore it. Both in playing the victim and the attacker. Queen would suggest that I start by getting to know both of these personas (pg 91). Talk to them, find out who they are and what they’re into and then wade into the swimming pool of trying them on for size. The shallow end of this exploratory pool could be chatting with a total stranger behind the safety of a computer screen or perhaps locating a support group for people interested in the same things (pg 147). And if that doesn’t work there are also establishments with professionals who are paid to help people with these very things (pg 169).

Of course the exploration experience won’t be useful unless we are being honest with ourselves and our partners in regards to what we want and what our boundaries are. If we can’t communicate these boundaries and desires it increases the likelihood of having a bad experience. This is the opposite of what Queen is trying to convey. Even with great communication some experiences just won’t work out the way we want them to but that doesn’t have to make them awkward or negative.
This book was written to assist people with exploring the exhibitionist within themselves; but the tools it teaches can enhance our lives in so many other areas. Adult entertainer Annie Sprinkle says that positive affirmations are key. If you have a negative thought about what you’re doing replace it with a positive thought (pg 182). This concept has been written in the pages of every self help book I’ve ever read, and it is just as true when applied to our sexual selves. Our experiences can be enhanced or destroyed simply by the way we choose to feel about them. This can work for us or against us. Sometimes it’s quite easy to say “I just need to look at this from another angle” and other times we want something or someone to come along and take care of business for us. Either way, we’ve got to start by dipping our toes in the water, if we’re ever going to swim.
 


*Due to blog formatting the Resources page has not been posted. If you would like access to the resources used when writing this paper please email me.